I understood, but I didn't

A long one for a new page in life:

I woke up this morning, groggy as usual, but with a sense of calm i hadn't felt the past few weeks. As I was walking to and from the bed to the toilet, i kept thinking: what had i done that was different?

And it came to me slowly...

Last week, I went to see a friend of mine... one I haven't seen in a long long time... maybe 3 years or more, but one i've been very close with before. He was the ponderous kind, who reads and thinks a lot. These days, he runs a training business, typical of his leanings to education, and educating.

So as we talked, catching up on times lost, and sharing new experiences, and ideas, he mentioned to me something that stuck to me right to this very morning. It goes something like this: "Our fate, as I've learned, is predetermined by our actions - there are a set of actions that can actually lead to a set of results, only our minds are too little to be able to take in all the equations, the variables we have in life, to determine the best course of action to take, but if we do know, then the outcome is very much predictable"

It did hit me then, but I didn't put much thought into it.

Then last Friday, I read what I posted in my previous post - "Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead!!". That fate is but a mathematical proof, a bunch of equations, actions, leading to (=) a result.

Caught my attention then too... but didn't put much thought into it either...

Then only last night, while I was driving home from my sister's house with my brother, parents and grandmother, did the last blow hit me full on... they were talking about that morning's religious class (which I foolishly skipped). Mom was saying: "today in class the ustaz (teacher) was saying that all the good and the bad we face in life, it's an immediate result of the good and bad we that we did. In other words, the immediate reward and punishment for our deeds. At the same time, it also serves as a test for us... when we do good, and get good things, are we still persistently good? when we do bad, and we get bad things, are we still persistently bad, or do we repent and mend our ways?"

Those words from mom rang another bell in my mind... that all the crap I've been facing in life is an immediate payment for the misdeeds I did in the past - and mind you, they were plenty... That the path of misdeed that I had chosen to take in the past was the reason for all the misery I am now facing, or faced. The life I am leading today was predetermined by the paths that I had chosen in the past.

A close friend of mine once told me, when she was going through a tough time: "this is God's cash payment for all the things I'd done in the past" - didn't believe her then, but now I do. I had understood the concept, but in reality, I didn't really understand it.

It's not that life's all that bad, but I'm not that happy with it either. Too many shadows of the past, unsolved problems, an unknown future... it's messing with my mind.

I don't know about you, but if a lot of things jump out to you at almost the same time, with the same kind of message, bells should ring in your mind. And in mine, it sure did. I've been praying for guidance... maybe this is it.

So last night, I prayed to God, seeking His pleasure, more than anything else. Because maybe, I still have sins unforgiven. Maybe that's why I'm a little calmer this morning.

Maybe salvation is not far off... maybe, if I follow God's rules to the dot, fear him much, remember him often, my life will change for the better. As the saying in the Qur'an goes: "There is no calming of the heart, without remembrance of Allah" (forgot which part it came from). As I've said before, with a lot of hard work: prayers, and trust in Him.

After all, prayers, trust and help from God can't come without a prerequisite: that we follow what the Almighty commands... would YOU help someone you're not pleased with? then why would you expect God to do just that then? right?

So here goes. A new leaf. I hope. Wishing me all the best.